Kelsey the Riveter

Crazy dreams and the thoughts they bring

2010-11-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about what you would be like if all of your flaws were taken away? I’m not talking about being sinless, I mean what if you were able to lay aside all of those things you know hold you down and hold you back. What if you were able to simply accept grace? Think about how this would affect your life. If you fully understood grace what would that mean? You would have the ability to love everyone wholly. You could understand them and enjoy them because you held no discontent for them. You could also enjoy yourself. You wouldn’t go around kicking yourself for the stupid things you had done and hanging on to mistakes you had made. Understanding grace would change you inside out. If you were able to accept grace you would always have a heavenward vision. Worries would fade away. But how in the world do we get there. How do we fully understand the greatest paradox, the impossible equation that the sins of the world plus Jesus does not equal punishment and justice for all, but means eternal life.
I had a sad dream last night about the death of a family member that got me thinking about this. I woke up feeling the left-overs from the emotional dream and feeling true sadness. Death does that. It quakes our core with the feeling that it’s just not right, just not fair. It also causes us to look heavenward and inward. It causes us to examine ourselves and our lives. I get a similar but milder feeling sometimes when I am in a plane. Being so far from normal life makes me relax and take on a different frame of mind. All my problems are down there with the antlike dots that are rushing around and mixing everything up. I think and view life more clearly when I get that feeling. Death makes all the small things fade away, it helps us understand grace. It was a sacrificial death that made grace possible. I think this is why older people generally understand grace better than the younger ones. They have been sobered by death more than the young.
I hope I can stay in this frame of mind, seeking a truer understanding of grace. I think that must be the key, because to understand the dichotomy of grace is to understand the Father Himself.

Dear John

2010-10-26T03:55:00.001-07:00

Okay this may be a strange post but this is what I am thinking about. …… Toilets, yes toilets. They are so grose! Really who decided that it would be a good idea to put these things in our homes? We all know what goes on where the toilet is and then some of us are men, so SOME of us don’t care about what the ramifications of toilet activity are. The reality is that toilets in the home NEED to be cleaned! AUGH!!! GROSS!!! I mean this is an intimate job. It requires crouching down closer than you ever want to be to one of these things and swishing the water around NEAR YOUR FACE!!! Then you will need to reach down (preferably with gloves)…….. (Preferably disposable gloves) and wipe down the entire surface. If you are lucky enough to have a man in the house you get the added pleasure of wiping down the floor in front of the toilet, and I hear if you are blessed with a younger man you get the EXTRA pleasure of wiping down not just the floor but the walls and ceiling too. Just love taking care of my man. I think that the integration of toilets into the home is a sign of our society’s digression NOT progression. At one point our forefathers had it right.
“I doth declare, we shall build a separate building for the expelling of waste! Where will it go? Directly into the earth. The result of this action shall leave all hands unsullied and suitable for praising the Lord” –John Commode
Someday I hope to build my own home and yes there will be toilets in the house but they will only be used by those who have earned the privilege. Only those who have proven themselves to be in possession of a snipers aim and proven to maintain their firearm in tip top shape will be allowed to visit the indoor bathroom. For those whose rank is still “Private” there will be an outdoor facility where he/she can go to practice proper use of the facility and proper respect for the cleanliness and general good smelliness of the indoor facility.
Well that’s all I have to say about that…

Even This

2010-10-21T05:36:00.000-07:00

I can feel it. I'm not quite there yet but I know what it feels like now when I am about to write a song. Trying my best not to relate myself to famous artists but I have heard some say that it's like they were blessed with the song or the piece of creativity; they say that they were simply in the right place at the right time to receive it from some higher source. Throughout history artists have had trouble comprehending that their art came solely from their own being. I think that's because true beauty is not native to the cursed soul. We are so used to sin and so permeated by it that anything but sinfulness is an anomaly. I feel that way too. Even though most all of my songs are written for my heart and for my savior.... Or maybe it's because of this that I do feel that I am given the words and the chords and that they have little to do with me. But like I said.... I can feel it now when I am about to write a song. I am overwhelmed by something and the awe hovers over me. I think the completion of a song for me represents revelation, a lesson learned through and through, like this one's going to stick for life. All the hairs on my body raise , usually it is Christ and the Cross or a story of His love that I am overwhelmed about..... but sometimes it's sin.
About a month ago I wrote a song about sin. The sin was mine and more horrifying to me than any I have experienced first hand. Now whoever reads this may not identify with what I am about to talk about. You may have different beliefs, or you may just be uninformed but this is truth as I know it. I don't know if I did or not, God only knows, but I may have killed a child.

My husband and I love so many of the same things. We rarely disagree on major life decisions and our plans for the future and when we got married we were both in total agreement that we did not want to have a baby while he was in the Army. The other thing that we fully agree on is that abortion is murder and that we wanted nothing to do with it in any way shape or form. Even if that form was a pill that prevented a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. The problem with hormonal contraceptives is that there are so many and any hones Doctor will tell you that they don't REALLY know how they work. Reed and I were so lost in this sea of information, and we were only engaged for three months. We were focused on us. We were convinced that if we prayed about it, God would not allow us to fall into sin through the decision of what birth control to use. So we settled on a decision. I don't want to say what form of contraceptive we settled on because I think it may taint your perspective and force you to draw your own conclusions.
So we got married, moved to North Carolina where we have been for the past two years. About two months ago I started reading a book by Randy Alcorn, Pro-Life answers to Pro-choice arguments. There I found information about the form of birth control that I was on. I was totally unaware that the main active function of my BC was abortion. I was misinformed, or confused I don't know exactly how this happened but I became directly involved with something that I hate so much. Reed and I were broken by this information.
Now I'm pretty sure I know what most of you are thinking, "that doesn't count, you didn't know. God doesn't judge you for that." To you I will refer you to Luke 23:34 "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." They still needed the Cross even though they did not know that they were killing the Son of God.
The form of BC that I was on requires a Doctor visit in order to discontinue use. So we had to wait two weeks till that appointment came around. During that two weeks I couldn't get over it. I was mourning for the possible babies lost and also for what I did to Christ. I broke His heart.
I also just simply couldn't wrap my head around what this meant. This meant that He loves me, and has loved me even though He knew I was a murderer. Foolishly I felt like I didn't want to let Him have it. I wouldn't let Him die for something like that. I didn't want Him to take on that burden. He is too beautiful to stand before the judgment of God and say, "she didn't do it, I did, I killed those children"
So I started to write and to sing about this thing that I had done. I was overwhelmed by it. And as the words of the song came to me, so did the truth. I couldn't stop Him from taking my sin, He already did. I couldn't stop Him from doing what had already been done on the cross. He had already taken the fault.
And in the completion of that song, I received the forgiveness that He already gave. And now I am overwhelmed again by the cross and what it truly means. He died for a world of sinners, a world of murderers
You can listen to the song by following this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OSZROxsBJs

Buck Up

2010-10-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

These are my Army Commendation for this deployment. No don't worry your tax dollars did not pay for them... not directly ;)But he was recognized by the US ARMY for his bravery and blagh de blagh on this last deployment so I did too in the form of a gift from my wonderful husband that I found under my pillow the other night. He is amazing!

I love my husband. But it's not just so simple as that. He is my friend.. my best friend. He takes care of me..... okay even still I am sucking at describing this. Seems quite fitting that my words are failing me right now. I just wanted to write a little about Us today though. The last couple months since Reed has been home have been amazing. They were hard at first because I though things would be different when he got home from Iraq. I thought that he would never annoy me because I would just be glad that he was home sleeping in my bed. But then I was trying to ignore the troll in my head saying, "you make my shower dirty, you leave your boots in the wrong place, you chew with your mouth open! And sometimes you get this face where I KNOW you need to spit out a huge ball of nastiness but you don't! GROSE". I tried to ignore those thoughts for a while because I wasn't supposed to be thinking them ...I also was so used to being alone that I would never let him do things for me that make him the man. I would find myself trying to move the couch on my own even though he was in the other room. I nearly brought myself to tears trying to open a jar of jam even though he was sitting across the counter. We were both kind of in every man for himself mode. Needless to say things got a lot better once we both acknowledged that we annoy eachother sometimes but that we still like and need eachother:)

But now another obstacle. Reed is scheduled to deploy again in less than three months. AHHH! I just got him back didn't I? Now ..we have learned that I clinically go insane when Reed has to leave. I start treating him like he is already gone or like he is leaving me on his own accord. Not fun. So I have been brainstorming on how to avoid these side effects. Here's what I have come up with.
1. Start doing drugs
2. Drink a bottle of Chard every time I start to think about deployment.
3. Start doing doctor prescribed drugs
4. Somehow give myself a terminal illness.. but only for the next couple months so that Reed is released to stay home at his wife's death bed.

Okay so none of this really helps for retaining my sanity. So I guess I'm just gonna go with trusting my God. See how that works out. It's always worked out in the past. After all it worked when I was sure that there were no amazing men left in the world and decided that I would leave the husband department in His hands.
I guess he wants me to trust Him with the Husband department for my whole life! UGH! It was hard enough doing it for about the 6 months that it took Him to answer my prayers for a husband with Reed! Now I have to do this my whole stinking life?! This gets easier right? I can see you all shaking your heads.. that's ok. In the words of Rosie the Riveter "We can do it!".... Through Christ

And We Did

2010-09-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

Well I did it…. Or we did it. Reed deployed with much tears and heartache and we both survived. We didn’t die or lose our minds. I don’t know about you but I am shocked. I guess I could have continued blogging through that period but I think you would have really thought I had gone crazy or was in some deep dark suicidal place and maybe you needed to get some help for me before I do something to hurt myself ;) I think it was good to spare you that.
So now we are back. Reed has been home for a little over a month now. I’m not doing cakes anymore, I’m trying something new but closely related. I am currently in the process of building a web site that is sort of my own video blog. There I will post videos that I will make of how to do fun things in your home. I am calling it The Retromodern Housewife. I don’t want to disclose the URL quite yet because the site is in it’s infancy and I don’t want to send anyone there yet. But rest assured that I will plaster information about this site when it is ready. It’s gonna be fun.
So other than that life has been good for the past eight months. Lol. Now Reed is scheduled to deploy again in January! Lol I know. Gotta love the US ARMY. I’m just glad he is not going to a hostile zone. I’m doing much better with the news of this deployment than I did with the last one. I’m ready! Armed with my new web site to keep me busy and a plan to not go crazy on my family.
In the mean time I will be here in the South enjoying Reed and trying to be a more normal person. Reed is building a privacy fence (so we can enjoy it for about two months) and we are preparing to install new carpet throughout the house.. See all normal people things. Infact I am about to go to the gym!
I’m sure your glad that there is hope that my posts will possibly be less intense from now on. I hope you keep tuning in 

2009-12-14T05:40:00.000-08:00

This is getting tough. Reed finally got a deployment date. The 13th of January. This is about 2 weeks earlier than we thought it was going to be. I am just in shock. I absolutely cannot stop thinking about it. Every kiss, every brief goodbye I imagine that it is our last. There is a huge black box in my living room that holds everything that my husband will send ahead of him to Iraq tomorrow. I want to write him a letter to put in the box so that he can read it when he gets there but I know in writing I will yet again be brought to tears. I am so so sick of crying. I just want to be happy. I am learning so well the pain of love. I think that true love must just hurt alot of the time.
The bible says that if we were to see the face of God we would die. That makes total sense because my God is Love at it's purest form. I know that my heart could not continue beating in the presence of true Love, it's having trouble now.
I'm becoming a poor housewife, not making the best meals, being lazy about doing laundry and cleaning. I just want to stay in bed in the morning when Reed leaves for work at 5am. I am only at rest when I am either in Reeds arms or on my knees weeping before the Lord. Either way I am usually on the brink of, or crying. That rock of emotion wells up in my throat. I am at war with that knot in my throat. It comes to ruin moments of joy and peace when I am looking into Reeds eyes and just loving him. It comes to remind me that he is leaving so soon and could possibly never come back. Well now I am already crying to I might as well write that letter to put in Reeds box. If you read this please pray that God would grant my heart a peace that surpasses all understanding, especially mine.

It is Well

2009-12-01T07:25:00.000-08:00

I really wonder who reads this stuff. I don’t really care. I know mom and big Sis read it. I like to know that they can update themselves on the state of my mental health if they want (Hi mom, Hi Brooke) but it is also nice to be just a little transparent. In a world where it is taboo to be sad or hurting, I enjoy having a place to show my hand and whoever cares even in the slightest can see it.
I’m not hurting or sad right now though. More and more I am able to look at the future difficulties in my life and honestly say “It is well with my soul”. I have been asking God my whole life to change me enough that I can sing those words with no doubt in my mind and no fear in my heart. In the last two years I have been learning what it really means to say those words. The man that wrote that song endured what I hope I will never have to. The cost of a heart fully devoted to Christ can be very high .Horatio Gates Spafford lost his son, his business and three daughters and wrote those words, “it is well with my soul”. I’m sure you know the story. Heart ache is what grows a relationship with Christ.
It’s hard to prepare for what may come. I get to mourn the death of my husband even though it hasn’t happened. I get to prepare everything as though that will happen and so does he. The truth is, everyone is faced with impending death. I simply don’t have the luxury of living in ignorance to that fact.
This week I am trying to get my passport in order. I have to make sure that I can leave the country at any moment. If Reed is wounded or killed they will send him to Germany where I will go and get him and take him home. Last time I was in Germany, I was there for Christmas. I can visualize the airport, the indoor smoking stations, the waiting areas with the smell of stale cigarette smoke and the tarmac with busses driving wildly getting passengers to their planes. I have played out the scene in my head of what that would be like to go there for that purpose. In my head it is all very Hollywood. I even visualize myself wearing a big coat and high heals, the typical grieving widow. It makes it easier to romanticize everything, but in reality there is nothing romantic about Death. He is a twisted evil that longs to ruin and kill us. But Yahweh has concord Death and I need no illusion and no fantasy to calm my fears. I only need a constant renewal of truth in my heart.

Take up your cross

2009-11-19T06:38:00.000-08:00

Note before you read: Sorry if all my posts are very intense.

I have always considered personal death to be an honor. When this life ends for me I will find nothing but joy in its ceasing. It’s easy to say to God, “I give you my life”. Often what we are really saying is, “I give you my death”. Rest comes hand in hand with personal death. It’s a different story when considering the death of a loved one.
I feel that up until about a year ago, I have been treating my relationship with God like a newbie poker player. I was so excited that I was finally in the game and I didn’t really know what the chips were worth. I was a kid. In my earnestness to win big I pushed all my chips to the dealer. I asked God to take everything, do whatever it took to draw me close to Him. I don’t regret this decision at all. I would do it again today but now I am learning what the chips are worth. I’m learning what my relationship with God is going to cost. There are chips that represent my future, my health, my family, and one chip represents the life of my husband.
Yesterday Reed asked me to give him permission to be content with the possibility of his own death. Of course I want him to be at rest with that fact but I couldn’t tell him that I was content with that fact myself. I’m still working on that, but as I let go of what is most dear to me in this world I am rewarded with intimacy with my Father. It seems that there is a certain blessing in being forced to give something so dear over to death. I cannot live in ignorance and stagnancy. My heart is in a vice being wrenched at every moment. I have no option but to run to my Lord. I can’t say that it is fun but I trust that someday I will be so glad that God placed me in such a sanctifying place as the military or really such a sanctifying place as this world.
I had a friend ask me the other day, how I was doing with Reed going to be deployed soon. I stopped and thought for a moment and said, “ We all live in a war torn world, I just don’t get to be ignorant to it.” And that is the truth. If Reed does die in Iraq, he will not have died for his country or honor or to protect the people of America. Those reasons are not good enough for a wife. If Reed dies it will be because of sin. It will be because the death and evil of this world overcame him. It will be no different than the tragedy of a young woman dying of cancer or the tragedy of a child being killed by a drunk driver. It will not be because our government was greedy. It will not be because They didn’t protect him and It will NOT be an anomaly. No one is exempt from the cancer of sin that has overtaken our world. The only cure is Jesus. His blood is a salve on the heart of the broken. His love is a song that raises us from a drunken trance to shake off our chains. And His glory is all revealing light that burns away the darkness.

Time Will Tell

2009-10-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Time is passing so quickly. I can’t believe how much life has changed. Just even in the last 12 months I became an Aunt twice over, moved into our first home, remodeled that home, became a baker, and now Colton will be here before I know it, and Reed will be leaving, and I will be going home for at least 6 months.
These are all big changes, but small ones have been happening too. I’m changing. I had a great conversation with my SIL yesterday. She has been fighting her health issues ever since she hit puberty and now the doctors have found one more thing wrong with her. SIL is such strong woman. Even though her body crumbles around her she stays constant in telling herself and others that God is in control and no one is exempt from the death of this world. This is something I know all too well. I even count on it. It seems I am waiting for my dose of the death of this world to come my way. I am convinced that because my life has been wonderful so far, that Reed will not come home from one of his deployments. I am sure that his life is what will pay for all the blessings that I have been given. Satan is whispering and I am listening and shuttering in fear. I don’t know when I decided to become a Buddhist and be so hung up on Karma but SIL set me straight yesterday. “God doesn’t work that way.” And she is right. God’s blessings are gifts. What goes around doesn’t always come around.
With that said, I do still believe that I should be prepared. I feel fathoms more prepared for Reed to leave then I did 12 months ago. When Reed left for his first overnight mission about a year ago, I remember saying goodbye to him at the door and then sitting down on the floor in our living room to howl an hour of mourning out before I went to bed. I resembled very closely, a puppy that had been shut up in the garage for the night. I have grown tougher since then. I am still as scared as ever but I have been asking God to make me stronger and more courageous.
1 peter 3: 5-6
For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
I want to be a daughter of Sarah.
While talking with my SIL yesterday I realized that my situation is really not that much different from every other wife on this earth. All wives must fear the loss of their husbands whether he is a milk man or a leg infantry man. We all have a fear to overcome and it runs us if we let it. When talking with SIL we agreed that if we were to lose our husbands we would die, maybe not our bodies, but Christ would have to chose to bring our souls back to life again. After thinking upon this I realized in horror that, that is what I am called to do. I am called to die to whatever desires I have apart from Christ so that He can raise me up again. How horrifying and glorious that thought is. I never want to have to experience the death that would come from losing Reed but weather I lose him to war, or a car crash, or a sudden heart attack, I must chose to lose him to Christ. Even if he lives to be a hundred years old and dies in his sleep, I must lose him to the love of my Savior.
Our God told us to pick up our cross and follow Him. Why else would we be picking up a cross if not for the soul purpose of going to die on it. What a journey ahead I have. I am not ready to die yet but God knows that I am so thirsty to live.

It’s Not That Big Of A Deal

2009-10-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

I seem to remember that phrase being said a lot throughout my high school years.
“ Why would you wait to have sex before you are married? It’s not that big of a deal.”
“ oh kissing is not that big of a deal.”
“Oh why don’t you come out to drink with us after work. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“ Just drive me up to Washington so that I can get the morning after pill. It’s not that big of a deal.”
We are in a moral recession, a time where value is constantly being thrown out the window. What we don’t realize is that value lies in the hands of the consumer. We make value and we can take it away . We deem sacred things in life as, “not that big of a deal” because we don’t want to be bound by the responsibilities of their gravity.
Then we find ourselves depressed and horrified, wondering why life, and our own selves are not that big of a deal. When we spend our lives treating others and ourselves like we are not that big of a deal, why do we wonder why we feel like nothing, like we are worthless and in the big picture, not that big of a deal.
The transition is slow but sure, making rationalizations here and there where is doesn’t really count.
“NO, I would never cheat on my husband, but it’s not that big of a deal to be friends with this co-worker of the opposite sex.”
“I love her and respect her and want to marry her someday, it’s not that big of a deal if we make love before we are actually married.”
“ Of course I want to have kids someday, just not right now. Abortion is not that big of a deal, it’s not even really a baby.”
We take the pivotal moments and not so pivotal moments in life and strip the value away where is is most necessary, then we wonder why so many are miserable searching constantly for the value that is just not there. We want to reinstate this value when it is convenient when it is helpful for happiness. But value once taken away is ever so difficult to return.
We the people are telling ourselves lies. We have been telling them from generation to generation where now truth is a shifting shadow that alludes even the most wise and intelligent people. The truth about us and our value has been chalked up to mythology and labeled as human arrogance. We have reduced ourselves to soulless animals, mediocrity amongst a sea of mediocrity. But the darkest part of the night is just before the Sun comes. A time is coming where the truth about our royal heritage will be almost totally lost. I feel that that time is very close. Keep your eyes focused in the night, for day will break and truth will come to set us free from the bondage of our own lies and selfishness.

In the Midst

2009-09-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

Whenever my husband leaves for a short time I am always confronted with my circumstances that he is going to leave in about 3 months for a long time. This may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. I admit that before I got married I was a cocky little know it all. I was sure that I could handle being an army wife. I knew that God would supply for me and I would be a warrior myself. This all is true except one, I was NOT born a warrior. I think I read to many missionary biographies. I read and heard about these women who overcame hideous circumstances and brought so much glory to Gods name in the end. While reading about these heroins, I failed to realize that in the midst of their story they did not know the ending. They did not know that they would eventually find safety and that they would rest.
This can be realized for all great stories. Just like Moses' mother did NOT know that he would be safe in the arms of a princess by days end. While standing about to be pushed into the flames, three friends did NOT know that God would save their bodies from being burned in the fire. Abraham did NOT know that God would stop him from spilling the blood of his own son........ but they trusted that He would provide.
I feel sort of silly comparing myself to these great men and women of faith but really I am in the midst of my story. After all, Moses was only a man.
We are all in the midst of our story. The part of the story where future is grim and uncertain. Our hero has not come to save the day, the moment before our eyes are opened to see the multitude of angel warriors at our side.

The world is in the midst of it's story. Death came, the debt was paid for it, but will He come back again? When will the clouds be rolled back as a scroll? There has been no trumpet sounding. There has been no metaphorical trumpet for aver 2000 years. Our hope is waning and our souls are tired. We are in the midst of the story.

I long for the end of my current story, the part where my husband comes home from Iraq to a wife who has poured herself into trusting her God, who has been refined through a process of being put into the fire, melted down over and over again. But right now, in the midst I am weak and diluted, at the beginning of my refining process. So with hope for the end, I look forward to the fire. In simple math you cannot have 3 without 1 and 2 coming first. The end of the story will not come before the beginning and the middle.

More than I long for the end of my current story, I long for the end of the worlds story. I long for the end of the greatest story ever told and for the beginning of an even better story. The story where there is no death and only the light of Jesus.

We must keep a sharp mind, not letting Satan dull our senses and lay our eyes shut to the coming of the King.Chose to see it!I WILL look forward to the ending while I am in the midst. I will chose to believe that I AM at that moment just before the dawn, I AM at that moment just before my eyes are opened to see Angel armies. That moment just before the trumpet sounds. I AM there and He IS coming.

Time to Blog On

2009-09-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

Well it's that time again. Reed is leaving again for two weeks to go to WLC school. I don't know what he will be learning this time. Probably more shooting and playing in the mud. That's what soldiers do I guess. It's kinda lame that I only write in my blog when Reed is leaving or gone. I guess I just really start to feel alone and I need a place to vent.
This last week Reed built a beautiful railing on our living room stairs. I get to paint it this next week.
I am making a quilt for my sister-in-law for Christmas (over 300 pieces).
I also have a cake to make that will look like a train and a cake to make for a competition and a wedding cake to ready.
Reed is going to be gone for his birthday on October 1st so we are going to celebrate it sometime this week. Reed loves my Raspberry cake. So I will be making some of that.

I have things to keep me busy but it's amazing how there is no reward for hard work when it is not being done for someone. This last week at my church our pastor was talking about work and how so often we are confused and we separate or work into secular and non-secular. Jeff(my pastor) gave an example:

The church tells a furniture maker to show up to church on Sundays and not get drunk but what they should be telling him is to make good tables... the best he can for the Lord.

This really gave me a new perspective on my new found "carrier" in cake making. When I started doing cakes and started thinking about not going back to school I felt like I was letting someone down, like I wasn't going to be a real grown up without a college degree. My husband is very smart and is working on his masters degree in business. He trades stock for fun! I felt like I was letting him down somehow. Last weeks sermon really put things in perspective though. Work should be first, for the Lord and second, as a way to make money. God gave me the ability to make good cake! So I will cake on, and do it well!

2009-07-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

Wow I really don’t write on this very much at all. I’m starting to see a theme that anytime I write it’s really to celebrate how good my life is and how much God has blessed me. Reed has been in Florida this week. He is having a blast learning how to shoot and drive really well in a combat situation. I’m glad that he loves his job. I don’t like being away from him though. I miss him a lot. I guess that is a good thing. I pray that I am never the wife the breathes a sigh of relief when her husband leaves the house for a business trip or deployment. I know it sounds awful but that is what the majority of military marriages look like. Last night I gave my husband a scare. I went to the beach for the day and never heard my phone ringing, then when I got home I went to help out with our churches youth group and forgot to bring my phone, and then I decided to go work out. When I was walking out of the gym at ten o’clock at night, the guy at the reception desk said “Hey! Are you Kelsey?” At first I thought that this guy was gonna try and hit on me. His next question, “your married?” I said yes, with a furrowed brow. The man handed me the phone with a very worried husband on the other end. “ARE YOU OKAY?” was the first thing he said. Reed went on to tell me how he had gotten done with training at 4pm and had been trying to get ahold of me ever since. I felt so awful. I was flooded with emotions of remorse for Reed and the feeling of being intensely loved. I started to cry. I whimpered a stream apologies to my wonderful husband and said good night to him. When I got home I found a note on my door from Reeds First Srgt. Reed had sent his boss to find me. Needless to say, I will never forget my phone again.

The Beginning of The Book I Will Write Someday

2009-07-02T23:47:00.001-07:00

I thought about every man that I met as my husband. Each time I met a new boy I would instantly picture them pasted into a future with me. What would my life look like if I married him, or him. Wow, it would be so different if I married him! I imagine that almost every girl does this. That’s our curse. “Your desire will be for your husband.” And, mine sure as hell was. Every day I would get up and get dressed for this man, make sure my butt looked cute in jeans for him, matched my eye shadow to my outfit but not too much, didn’t want to seem like I was trying too hard. And I didn’t know who this guy was. That sounds like a curse to me. The funny thing is, I knew who Reed was for almost a decade before we ever took a second look at each other. I will just say right now, it’s not magic, it’s not a spell or an arrow. All us girls want it to be, but it’s not. We want something like fireworks to happen. They do happen, but not when you think. You chose them. God makes them, and that’s a miracle, but YOU chose them. Just like you can chose to love the high school jock jerk, captain popular. You chose to love a man of God. But, they are a lot easier to love.
I remember the first time I talked to Reed, he doesn’t. We talked about missions work and going overseas. I was mostly trying to impress him. I was fourteen and he was twenty one. Even with him I fantasized about him being my husband. I was smart enough to know that I was being ridiculous with the age difference and all, and left it alone, thank goodness. Can you imagine me asking his sister if I could come over more so that I could hopefully run into her adult brother. “Hi Reed, I just stopped sleeping with my baby blanket, do you think you wanna take me out?” When we finally did notice each other, it wasn’t perfect, but it was so God’s timing. Reed was home for Christmas after he had just gotten done with basic training in the Army. I was on Christmas break from Multnomah Bible College. Him and I and about ten others from our church went up sledding on Mt.Hood. I drove up in Reeds car and definitely busted out the mild flirting. This convinced him to show up to a new years party that I was going to. We talked till the ball dropped. The next day, the day he was leaving, he called me to see if I wanted to go on a date. I had never had a guy ask me on a proper date. The guys I dated through high school were about, let’s make out a few times and then maybe I will fork out the cash to go out to lunch with you. We kissed on our first date. Yes, I know, not the “Christian” thing to do. It was sort of an accident. He was such a gentleman that I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek. After all, he was going off to serve our country. I leaned in, tilted to go for the cheek and he caught my lips with his. He will tell you, to this day, that I was so in to him that I kissed him, regardless, it was amazing.
My dad didn’t like it and neither did anyone else. I recently was reflecting on how hard is was to make the decision to marry Reed. All my life I wanted to marry someone that my dad loved. I wanted them to get along and go fishing together. This would have made my decision a lot easier. God in His infinite wisdom allowed me to make the decision without the condoning of my beloved father. I felt like I had to chose between them. The truth was, I didn’t know him, I couldn’t have all the information in only five months, not enough to make a decision like that. And, how could I decide to be away from my family? Entertaining ideas of Reed meant entertaining ideas of being far away from my family. I didn’t have very lofty reasons, just love, just romance. I knew that love between a man and a woman was not a good enough reason to get married, especially not good enough to move across the country. The only thing that would poses me to do that would be a call from heaven.
“God make me something more, speak to me like you did to Moses, make something of this life.” Was my prayer.
When I was ten years old I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wanted to be a prophet. Ha! I only realize that’s what it was now. I didn’t know the word for it then. I just wanted a life with Christ like the princesses in story books had with their princes, magic, miracles, a story worth hearing. Well I don’t know if mine is that, but today I feel like it is. Today I am 21, just a few days shy of 22, married, living in North Carolina, struggling to hear Gods voice and fighting off lies that are telling me to not draw near to Him. I hope someday those voices are concord for me. I doubt they will be though.
This phase of my life is charmed I am sure. I don’t have much to compare it to but it’s so good, I know it must be the best part. Right now, I’m sitting on my porch in North Caroling with some tiki torches burning while I enjoy watching my husband throw out ant killer on the lawn. He is so deeply good. Today he was upset about getting upset when his barber cut his hair wrong. This is Reed having a bad day. Every moment with him is joy, pure joy. When I think of his face in my mind, it’s smiling from ear to ear, never without a grin. In fact, that was my mothers first impression of him. “He smiles a lot, doesn’t he?” she said. As I think about my husband, his character and his heart, I can’t help but smile with tears because I know where his joy comes from; heaven. My Lord lay his life down so that we might choose life, chose Him as our one true love. I can only imagine what our God will use Reed for. It scares me because I know it won’t be something mild. Anything un-mild is hard to bare, weather good or bad, it’s hard to bare.
Someday for sure, he is going to be on one of those planes that are flying over right now, going away. It will only be for six months ,but now six months seems like an age to me. We courted and got married all within eight months. Who knows how he will come back ; changed, wounded if nothing else, six months of events will have happened to us apart. If I have known nothing else in my life, I know, I KNOW, Christ carrying me will be the only way I will get through this time. And you can keep an account, because if I come out boasting about how I was so strong and brave, cut me off. Christ is my strength and my portion of courage. I was listening to the song by Twila Paris, The soldier is a child. That’s me. The only strength I have is because I go crying and whaling to Him when it gets hard. Anyways, I feel that I am writing a journal and not a story. It’s so funny that I am writing a story because I don’t know what the end is yet. I’m only at the beginning. Praise God, I am only at the beginning.

The Peace of Cake

2009-06-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

Well I finnished the Margaret Braun cake. I am so happy with how it turned out. Let me know what you think. I'm looking forward to doing another cake like this in the future. It's so fun to create something so pretty from nothing but sugar and flour and of course BUTTER. This cake is a almond white cake with french vanilla icing (tastes like whipped cream). I can't wait to see what the customer thinks of it.

Piece of Cake

2009-06-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a long time. I don't feel guilty though. I've been busy! YAY! HORRAY! Cake business is really taking off and I am loving every second of it. I am so blessed. How often does anyone get to work in a profession that they love and still be able to be a completly successful house wife? I don't know, but thats me right now. This weekend I am doing four cakes one of which is a very expensive cake at 5$ a serving. I also just landed a cake proposal for a one star general! I am meeting the customer tomorrow with my lap top for a slideshow to display colors and techniques, and with my sketch pad full of different options sketched specifically for my customer. I will also bring a tasting platter with three different mini tasting cakes. They are so cute! I have also discovered a new source of inspiration. Margaret Braun, Sugar artist. Her work by far, takes the cake. I have now set fourth to aspire to her cake decorating level. The expensive cake that I am doing this week is modeled to look like one of her cakes. It will be 3 tieres and the larges tiere is only 6" in diameter. This cake will deffinetly strech my skills and my patience. Patience is one thing you must have in order to be successful at cake decorating. I am very lacking in this area. I want to start and finnish a cake in one day, but that is just never an option. Anyways, I hope you didn't get to impatient reading this, but enjoy this beatiful picture of one of Margaret Braun's beautiful cakes.

PICS

2009-05-06T07:20:00.001-07:00

Just thought I would post some fun pictures. Okay it's taking too long.You only get one.

Delighting in Building Sheds

2009-05-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting discussion last night with a few people from my church. It’s amazing how each person really has their own religion even if they serve the same God. I came to the church office at the end of a small group that the worship team was having. We were supposed to be moving onto practice (what I came for) but there was still more discussion to be had, so I joined in. They were discussing what it means to have your heart break for the lost (unsaved). Everyone seemed to have their own cop out about why they were exempt from this call from Christ. They were saying that we each display it differently, we each achieve this through different avenues. I sat quietly for a while, getting more and more annoyed with the lack of wisdom in the room. Then I decided to take a rout that some of you readers will not be surprised with. I said, “well, I don’t really care about the lost, it’s their own fault if they don’t know Christ, I don’t really care if they go to hell. Why should I care?” This caused an uproar from the group. I was bombed with comments of disapproval and suggestions (commands) of what I should do to change my evil heart. I butted in and asked again, “So why should I care?” One man sitting in the corner, we will name him Sam, a self proclaimed theologian to his class of 8th graders said, “Because God commands us! It’s a command from GOD!”
I’m beginning to see the difference between people who were raised and forced into Christianity and people who were allowed to find Christ. The difference between me and Sam is that difference. One is better not than the other, we just turn out very different.
“okay, I said.” “What does Christ mean when he says, “Be holy for I am holy.” ?” The same reply came, “It’s a command!” Sam said while the stiffening in his back caused him to sit up straighter in his chair. My reply was a little more lengthy than anyone really wanted to hear and maybe more lengthy than you want to hear.

I have a wonderful husband. When I ask him why he delights in me so much, and why does he love me so much, and why does he sacrifice for me so much, his reply is, “Because I have a daddy who loves me that much, and taught me how.” It’s true too. I have am faced every day with how much Christ loves me because He has given me a husband who really loves me in a Christlike way. So when my husband says to me, “Come sit on the couch with me, because I am on the couch.” Do I come to him out of wifely duty? Is it a chore for me to come sit on the couch? No, I am on the couch because he is on the couch. “Be holy, for I am holy.” Our Father wants us to be near. He wants us to love what He loves and He wants our hearts to break for what His heart breaks.
In the words of my Dad, “Motive is everything.” It’s not just if you DO, it’s WHY you do.
Sam took great exception to this reply. He said I was making it more wishy washy and emotional then it really is. Then I apologized for offending him if I did and he said it was okay because he deals with 8th graders all day long who have really messed up perspectives and I didn’t need to worry about mine bothering him.
This reply makes me laugh now as I read over it but last night it made me sad. Some people, even though they do believe that Christ paid for their sins, can’t stop trying to prove to Him that they were worth it. Their like adopted children who’s previous father was never satisfied with them. Then they come into a relationship with this new Father who loves them unfailingly and they still are trying to prove themselves. “Look what I can do dad!” “Son, come be with me” “Right after I mow the lawn for you dad!” “Son, your knee is cut, let me put a band aid on in.” “Right after I scrub the floor dad.”
Sometimes I get into this pattern, after I have neglected spending time with the Lord. I think I need to do something to make up for it. I have to remember that all He wants is to love me, and for me to let him love me, and for me to delight in his love. “Son, why don’t you come help me build this shed.” “Okay dad, I can’t wait to see what it will look like when it’s done. You do such amazing work.”

Here Again, but Stronger

2009-05-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

Well I’m alone again. Seems like the only times I really feel like blogging are when Reed isn’t here. Probably not the best way to treat my followers but my Reedo gets as much attention as I can give him when he is home. I was so sad when he left today. I thought that he was going to be back tomorrow, so I said, “I love you, see you tomorrow.” And he was like, “You mean Friday, right?” I thought he was just gone be gone overnight. Turns out it’s two nights. It’s not a big deal. I’m fine, I just didn’t know.
His frequent departures is are torture and a blessing. Because I never know when I’m gonna have to say goodbye to him for a while, I treasure every moment more than I would while I am with him. Whenever I have a chance to decide between better for me, or better for him, I always chose better for him because I know that I might not have a chance to serve him later. When he left for SERE school for three weeks, I remember kicking myself for complaining to him about stupid little things and for being upset over insignificant crap he did. So, now I have learned to choose my battles more wisely, and you better believe that they are so few and far between when you realize what’s important.

The disease of Narcissism

2009-04-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

Some things are too precious to share; with more than one person or even share at all. Some things are so intimate that in sharing would never find ears that understand. That’s what comes from growing up, a load of secrets and no one to share them with. There is one to share all with. But in Him it takes work to find rest. There is no free relationship; every one has a price, a cost. This is not a complaint, simply a statement of a truth remembered. With eyes that can only see outside ourselves into reflections, or mere evidence, it is hard to see what the cost must be for each bond. Wouldn’t it be great if each person came with a price tag? Then we could know what we must lay down and then immediately upon making the decision, start that process. But no, I think very few of us would want any bonds if we really knew what they were going to require of us. So then why do we chose Jesus? We know what the cost is for a relationship with him…… life. He costs our entire life. Such a small word to sum up what really is incomprehensible . What is not understood upon the choosing of Christ is that life is everyday, life is every moment, and second, and every part. I know that I did not know this at 5 years old when I asked for Him to be my friend. But every day since then He has been asking me for every moment, every second. It’s hard. It’s only hard, I know, because I am so sick with love for myself. If any of us loved Him more than ourselves for more than a second, I think we would be caught up in a whirlwind and carried off to heaven. I guess I only say this to console myself of my selfishness. Maybe you do love Him more than yourself. If you do, please contact me so that I might have more hope than I do. Right now, just today really, I see the rest of my life as a tiresome battle against myself. Where is there joy in that?

Lord please cure me of this disease of Narcissism and bring my heart to rest in you.

B.T.W. Please don’t comment on this if you think you have any wisdom on the subject. You will only make me sick.

Columbus manna- be

2009-04-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe it, but I made it to the airport! I drove myself an hour and half on roads I don’t know all the way to the airport. For all of you who don’t understand this as a personal triumph, I am a blond, and directionally challenged. I couldn’t navigate my way out of a wet paper bag. It’s not that I haven’t tried to become more adept in this area, I have. I simply lack the compass part of the brain. Okay, I will be honest. The only reason I was able to make it to the airport today was because of Brittany. You know, Brittany, my GPS with a British accent. “Tearn Lift Heeyer.” Thank you Brittany. “Veer ryite into the roond ubboat.” Thank you Brittany. I think this is the best toy I have ever had. Captain jack Sparrow said that “a ship is the key to the world”. I say Brittany, Brittany is the key to the , and every female should have one. She’s the Smee to my Captain Hook, the Little John to my Robin Hood, the Tink to my Peter. Anyways, you get the point. And about the part about every female needing to have one, I’m not sexist. I’m just very judgmental of my own sex. There is nothing wrong with this. According to Mr.Darcy, Elizabeth was very hard on her own sex too. I could do worse by choosing another roe model other that prideful Elizabeth Bennette. Besides, all women are bad at directions and the ones that aren’t, aren’t drinking enough soy.

No Prego!

2009-03-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Wow.. can you get brain damage from being alone? The last few days have been so weird. I’ve never been alone like this before. I’m not going to tell you all about how lonely or how sad I am right now because that’s not the case. The only sad part is missing my husband and worrying about what he is going through. Other than that, I’m really just board and a little stressed. I have two cake orders before I leave now. I’m really excited about it but it’s just another thing that has to be done before I go. Also, the car that I was planning on driving up to Raleigh Airport (1hr and 20min away) has it’s check engine light on. So I took it to the shop and for some reason they are so busy they aren’t taking anymore customers that day. So today I get up at 7am, and after almost throwing up over brushing my teeth I go to the shop again trying to be the first customer there. Sadly, I was not the first at all. The technician, seeming happy about his news, informed me that they are only taking customers that are able to leave their cars there all day long. This put me over the edge. I paused while a loud dialogue went through my head. What if I tell him that the reason I’m here is because my husband is out in the field training to withstand torture and that tomorrow I need to drive myself up to the airport, not before delivering a cake that may melt if it’s hot out, and then go home to Oregon and possibly try not to slip the secret that I’m pregnant. Would he change his mind if I told him, while crying, that I can’t be pregnant because my sister isn’t pregnant and she has been waiting for a baby for almost two years, and my husband would be deploying right around the time that the baby would be born and I would have to give the baby up for my sister to adopt. I didn’t say all of this to the grease monkey, I simply smiled and said, “okay, I guess I will have to figure something else out.” So I drove to the right aid to go buy a pregnancy test. Because I live in the South, various businesses have the most retarded hours. The store wasn’t open yet when I got there. So I waited along with the trucker who was making eyes at me while he waited to deliver his shipment. Bleck! I was baking yesterday and cannot wear rings while I’m baking. I forgot to put my ring back on. There is something very humiliating about buying a pregnancy test when you are not wearing your wedding ring. They make those packages so conspicuous. Everyone of them is neon pink with a diagram of the test on every surface of the box. You can’t hide your purchase! I found myself stealthily avoiding the mom with her little girl so that I could save them a viewing of what happens when you kiss boys while your not married. Anyways, IM NOT PREGNANT. Thank His Holiness! And praise the Lord, I have another car that I can drive up to the airport. I’m also glad that I didn’t have to give my first born up for adoption.
I love you Brooke, I hope my silliness wasn’t too much for you.

Praising Him

2009-03-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

So…… I quit my job. Yes I know, how irresponsible to quit my minimum wage, 25 hrs a week job that was supporting us so well. HA! I feel great! There is few things that are more liberating than feeling justified in walking out on a job where your being treated like crap and paid like crap. I had an argument with my boss on Thursday. She thought that I should set an extra 45min to an hour at the end of my 8hr shift so that if there was anything she needed me to do I could do it. I told her that that wouldn’t work for me because I do have a life outside of this job. And really that was it. So I no longer work at a Bakery. BUT… I have since started my own small , tiny business. I posted about 6 adds on craigslist for specialty cakes with free delivery and discounted prices and I already have an order to deliver tomorrow! I’m so excited. God knew I needed that cake order to take my mind off of what else is going on.
Reed is gone. I took him to the airport on Saturday morning. I’m drawing a blank on what else to say about this. I guess I will tell you that my reaction and my emotional state of well being are not as I thought they would be. I anticipated being mournfully sad and weepy. I don’t know why I didn’t trust that my God would comfort me. That’s just what He is doing. My mom prayed that He would ride home from the Airport with me and he did. I didn’t want to cry, I wanted to be strong for my husband and show him that I could handle this. After all, he is the one that is gonna go through hell these three weeks. I knew he didn’t need to see my heart break. He knows I love him and will miss his desperately but he didn’t need to see me fall apart at the airport. I needed to show him that I was going to be okay. This was not something that I expected myself to be able to do. I cry at the drop of a hat, over sad blogs and phone calls from my dad. I thought for sure I would be a goner when I had to take my husband to the airport so that he could go be tortured for three weeks and sever all communications between us.
I have been praying and I know others have been praying that our God would make me strong, make me a warrior. I’ve prayed that all my life. I want to do a work for Him. Not just a favor, or a life littered with a few short prayers and liturgical acts of service; I want to live and die for Him. Some will read that and know the same ach that is in their heart and some will read and think, “fanatic”, “extremist” . I hope my life will deserve those titles.
So this is all a very long way to say that I am making it. I was strong for my husband; or more, my God was strong, I was weak, and as frail as could be. Christ is walking me through the hard things, so that his shining armor will gleam through. Thank God He placed that armor upon me; it’s the only thing holding me up, and every step in now a miracle.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

2009-03-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

Okay. I know I already wrote a blog today but I am so annoyed right now. I’ve gotta vent. I really don’t know who is poising the water with stupid pills down here but EVERYONE that lives in NC is seriously stupid, everyone, everyone, everyone. Except my husband and I of course, we have a Brita water filter pitcher. So I’m coming home in two weeks because my husband is going to SERE school. So I decide that I had better give my boss a two week notice about that. So I tell her and she kinda freaked out. She was upset and said that she didn’t know if she could let me go because another girl is already going to be gone at the same time. I told her that I already have a plane ticket. So she squished her lips to the left side of her face and said, “Well, then I guess I will just have to deal with it.” “Yup” I said. My reaction may seem a little cheeky but let me explain. This woman is a terrible business manager. She is running her business into the ground by lowering her standards and raising her prices every day. Also on a more personal note, she is totally underpaying me for the amount of talent that I provide her with and she is two paychecks behind. SO in light of this, I decided that she has no right to dictate whether I will take time off or not. Pay me more and then I will listen to you. That is not the end of the story. I am at home relaxing with my husband and I get a phone call from my boss. I figured that she was calling to tell me that she cannot let me have the time off or something intelligent like that. The call was simply to tell me that she didn’t want me to feel like she was replacing me but she decided to hire someone for a month to cover three days of me being gone. I shouldn’t be worried but this new girl might be taking some of my hours. WOW What the heck does that mean? So I said, “okay, why are you telling me this.” “Well I just didn’t want you to worry or feel like I was replacing you.” I hate it when people say things that they don’t mean or they say something in order to get a desired outcome. She is being manipulative, so manipulative.
I really am just confused. I don’t know why she said what she said. It was none of my business how she was going to deal with me being gone. I think when I get back I will say “hmm, seems like it was a really big deal for me to be gone for a while, I want more money because it seems like I’m worth more to you.”
Another thing, this temp girl, I wonder if she even knows that she is only being hired for 30 days. When I started working for the company, I had a 30 day trial. It was in the contract. I suspect that my horrible boss is hiring this girl and then after her 30 day trial, she is going to say “Oh we don’t really need you.” I’m just having a harder and harder time working for this incompetent woman. Maybe God has another plan. Maybe He will bless me with a group of customers so that I can bake out of my home.
Well that’s the end of my rant. Time to go to bed so that I can go back to work in the morning.

2009-03-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

2009-03-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

(In the words of Dorah the explorer) Yay! We did it! Horray! We remodeled our kitchen and we still like each other! Yaaaay! I am so proud of my husband. I am totally convinced that I married the second most amazing man who ever lived. I know that all newly weds think that but the difference is….. well, I’m right. Reed can do ANYTHING. I don’t know what planet he came from but he is amazing. I know the picture shows me working really hard and helping a lot but really, I didn’t do anything. He is a THE master of ALL trades. Anyways I guess I have sufficiently bragged about Reed now.
We also had my lil sis and my Dad here for this week. Proudly, there was only one cat fight. Reed won. Lol jk. I don’t know what it is but I really don’t think that the females of the human species can live together peacefully. It doesn’t matter how much we love each other, at least once a month we want to tare each others esophageal tubes out. All of you ladies know what I’m talking about. So I think that the best sisters are divided by nations.
I heard on Greys Anatomy this week that a person can die of hick-ups. Im kinda worried right now because I currently have a fierce case of the hick-ups. Speaking of the word “Fierce”, whats up with Tira Banks saying that she is “The Goddess of Fierce!” all the time. And it’s in third person too! “The Goddess of Fierce is tired.” Just a tad narcissistic don’t you think. I do have to say, I love Americas Next Top Model. The show is a perfect compilation of all that is wrong in America today. First of all, they all want to be French. Second, the Ring leaders only love is the left handed Goddess she sees in the mirror every morning. And Third, everyone has an eating disorder (only in Top Model the people throw up their food instead of eating everything in sight) . ha ha you know Im only jealous. I’m actually sitting here right now hick-uping while dressed in high waisted pants, red suspenders, and a see through white t-shirt. Someday I will take growth hormones so I can grow taller and be AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL. Damn these short legs.

Confused

2009-03-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Wow. First of all, I'm sorry I never finished my last blog. I promise you I did have a point and a resolution. I do believe that my life has meaning no mater what role I play. There now it's finished. Thank you all who commented for your support and unsolicited advice.
I cried a lot today because I miss my dad. Yes I live very far away from him but ever since I got married it's more than that. He is uninterested. Some of you may not be provoked by this statement because this world is horrible and you may have had a father that has never been interested. My father is not one of those. I have been blessed and blessed and blessed in my life. One of the larger blessings has been my desperate loving father. Every day of my life has contradicted his regard towards me lately. He has always been the one pursuing me and fighting to show me his love. I can't figure out why he has changed.
My dad and my little sister were supposed to come to visit this Wednesday for a week. I called my dad and told him that I was coming home at the beginning of April because Reed is going to SERE school. His response was "oh, well now Abigail and I don't have to come sinse you are coming here." His response felt flippant and cold. I wrote him a letter to tell him how I feel.

Dad.
I have felt that I needed to write this letter for a while now. I have put it off, rationalizing my perceptions with this and that, but I don’t want to rationalize with my own ideas. I want a relationship, and a response from you. I don’t want to fill in the blanks where you fail to. For a while now I have felt that our relationship has faded; out of sight out of mind. You have fought the planning of coming to visit us, and since I moved here, you never call me in pursuit of simply having a conversation with your daughter. Most often when I call you , and when I do talk to you, I feel like I’m a bother and that you have other important things to do. I have tried to rationalize this because it doesn’t make sense. Every day of my life contradicts that you have just lost interest, or have forgotten, or have just stopped loving me. For too long you have pursued a relationship with me; you have fought to say you love me. So in the past few months I have told myself that it hurts you to remind yourself that I am so far away. I have told myself that you are struggling under the pressure of the economy, and your presently difficult business. I have told myself that you are trying desperately not to intrude on my marriage. But when you so flippantly decided not to come to see Reed and I, I was hurt. I realize that the financial cost of such a
trip feels risky. This may be inaccurate, but mom has told me that you are not financially hurting enough to give up certain luxuries such as buying fishing reels and other non-necessities. She also told me that the money for this trip was money that she received from selling Henry. So why the hasty change of plans? Just because I am coming to Oregon doesn’t mean that that exchanges you coming here. What about seeing Reed? It doesn’t hurt him that you don’t care about seeing him; it hurts me though. Reed is half of me now. That’s like you being satisfied in seeing me, but then not caring to see your grandchildren. I don’t understand. I told you about my trip home because I thought that you would make a wise and thought out decision based on that information. I didn’t actually think that you would not come. I told you because I thought that I knew you would still come. I thought that you would still want to see the new parts of me.I have left the life I knew. I took another man’s name. I’ve gained another half. I have a new home in North Carolina. A trip to Oregon is now a trip away from home. Reed sure as hell didn’t replace you though. Stop trying to walk me down the isle, stop trying to give me away. I left. I gave myself away. You taught me what it meant to be a bride. I don’t need you to step aside so that I can cleave to my husband. We have a nation in between you and I to do that. Reed replaced you only as a provider. I still want my dad.
The other part of this decision has nothing to do with me. Abigail has just now started to come around to you and to Christ. You have an opportunity to be a third wheel with her, to invest in your relationship with her. The father that I had would have valued that over thousands of dollars.
I love you so much dad. I love you almost as much as I love Christ. For the very early years of my life, you were all I could grasp of God. You clothed me, you fed me, you loved me. You were the giver of life. As I grew you became the law maker, the alpha and omega of dates and slumber parties. We fought and I grew. Now is the part where you don’t need to reign. You don’t need to do the things you are supposed to do or are obligated to do. You get to be my friend

Religous Extremist:Part 1

2009-02-26T03:26:00.000-08:00

I don't like to write anything when I don't have the time. And right now, I don't have the time. I was, for a very short period, a journalism major at Multnomah Bible College. I have been taught to re-read, re-write, re-read and then re-write and so on and so on until you don't have anymore time to do that. Then, even then the piece is probably not finnished, but you still have to turn it in. I know I have terrible puncuation and spelling to have anything to do with journalism. Oh well, now I know it wasn't my calling. I wanted to be a writer because I so desperatly wanted things in my life that were worth writing about. For so long I felt sort of worthless because I wasn't a full time missionary or Christian music artist. And, why wasn't I alive when Christ was on earth so that I could walk with Him every day, hear His voice, show Him my love?

will be continued... I have to go to work

Afraid but not Frozen

2009-02-23T03:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't really written anything too personal on here yet. I guess that's because I hold the important cards to my chest. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with them before I lay them down.
I am married to a US. PSY.OP. Soldier. For the next three years he will piriodically be in harms way and far from me. This is what weighs on my heart most days unless I can distract myself enough to forget it but about that time usually I hear an artillery shell hit the ground and shake my house from a few miles away on base, and I am reminded. I am having to trust the Lord in new ways every day and I haven't even been through a deployment yet. I'm praying for Him to prepare me. "Lord make my heart stronger, send your Holy Spirit to hold me up through things I can't handle." So far I have been blessed through the trials that have come.
I survived the first night combat training but not after I bawled my eyes out for 20min after my husband left.I can't help but see how God is strengthening my marriage and my relationship with Him through our current trying situation. I am so lucky though. Reed doesn't deploy for another year. When we got married we had no idea about how much time we would even have together before he might be deployed for up to 18 months. God blessed us and saved me from insanity by giving us a whole 14 months before Reeds first deployment. Now the next hurtle is coming and we don't know when.
Reed has to go to S.E.R.E.school for three weeks. I didn't really think anything about it until the other night when I asked Reed what they will be teaching him there. S.E.R.E stands for Survival, Evasion, Resistance, Escape. The military has to teach my husband how to do all of these things by puting him in those circumstances. They will starve him, torture him and hunt him. When he told me that, I couldn't handle it. I just started crying. It's so horrable to think that they have to teach him to withstand all of those things. I pray he never has to put his training into action.
I am so grateful that I have a God who is walking through all of this with me. After Reed had told me what he was going to have to endure and he was holding me we both got on our knees and prayed for eachother, that God would use our pain and our trials to make us into people so useful for Him and His kingdom. I and afraid and honored.

Raising Kids Must be Cake

2009-02-20T14:20:00.000-08:00

Wow… When it’s the end of the week and the end of the day….. I get st3up1d. Today I made two wedding cakes, one two level birthday cake, and took two 500 dollar orders for wedding cakes coming up next month. Heeeyooooh! It’s wedding season. Okay but back to the two tiered fondant birthday cake for a ONE-YEAR-OLD! Wow does anyone really think that little Corina is going to care about this 200 dollar cake that she ate two bites of when she was one year old? “Oh wow now that Im 20 years old I really am grateful that my mother valued my first birthday enough to spend half her paycheck on a cake that looked like Barbie threw up all over it. I think I will make it a tradition and buy my daughter one also.” –Corina (Sheep) But really, its getting to the point where everything that use to mean something is now a status symbol. Little girls birthday, 1950-We lover her and provide her with what she needs and show her how much we care by teaching her lessons that will make her life easier and not high maintenance. 2009-We jus gonna dress her up and put a crown on her head and spend as much money as we can so that little Corina will grow up and be the biggest divorce ,debt ridden,Princess, Diva Sista in her hood.
To these people who raise their children like this, I simply want to say, “Will you please not reproduce.”

Breaking the Ice

2009-02-17T13:53:00.002-08:00

So, I guess I am supposed to blog it up now. I usually do have a lot to say. When I have a place to vent I just go ahead and enjoy myself. But truly, life is so good right now. I just got married to the most amazing man in the world (Yeah I know all new wives say that, but it’s true for me, HA!) I work at a Bakery making beautiful edible pieces of art. I have a myspace page if you want to check it out. www.myspace.com/kelseyscakes I just started going to a new church, the River. We love it there. All of the people just welcomed us in and treat us like valuable members of the family. We also just moved into our first house and are tearing it apart and remodeling. God has blessed me throughout my whole life and right now I feel the most blessed than I have ever been. I guess that’s all I really have to say right now. BLAM! Ice broken